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Tuesday, 27 July 2010 17:02
Where's your lid?! Or maybe future Darwin Award Winner
Written by TheDouchebag
This guy's out riding a Kawasaki ZX14 - one of the most powerful sports bikes made currently. With no helmet, shorts... surprised he's not in flip flops.
I am at the bar the other night and in comes this fella - let's just call him Pour House Douchebag (PHD). He was a friend of a friend but I thought he was a friend of my friend. So with this assumption, I saw nothing wrong with "bumping" my info to him. As we are there, having our cocktails and light hearted conversation, in walks his date - a very pretty attorney chic, who he had apparently dated in the past. Somewhere in the midst of their date, he realized that my information did not "bump" into his phone and he slides his phone over for me to enter my contact info. Again, thinking this was ok since he was a friend of a friend, I entered my info. Bad idea! PHD decided that it was now safe to commence text flirting with me while he is on his date. Unbelievable. I called him out on it and that was not enough for him to stop. He kept on with a few more texts, which I ignored. So he began signaling for me to check my phone. He left soon after, thank goodness!
Now he has my number... this could get entertaining... and it became just that last night. Keep in mind too that PDH told me that the attorney chic is a big "texta" and he hated that about her.
Some people are TRULY clueless.... and roll tape...
PHD: Sorry I came at you like a retard with sparkler... I really am a good person & willing to prove it. I would like to know you..
ME: We can be friends. Not looking for anything
PHD: Friends it is.... "big smile" All of you guys are some cool ass people! Had fun last night.
PHD: Ok, let me just lay it out there. I think your really hot. But, also fun funny and somthing about you Is attracting me to you. In the 1 to 2 hours we hung out & spoke, you made an impressive impression on me. That's about it cuttie. Hope to know more of you and hang out again. Oh, one more thing. Prefer to actually talk instead of texting.
ME: Ok
PHD: Lol well said "ok" ?? Would you like to talk?
ME: Shopping
PHD: Enjoy that. I'm leaving port Isabel to look at a bar for sale. Then to Aransas pass ( port A ) to meet a realtor to see anouther one. Wish me luck Bella..
ME: Did you really just reference twilight?
PHD: No Tard. I just think your beautiful aka.... Bella. Btw, I think any vampire movies are gay.
ME: I love vampires
PHD: Do you bite? Lol
ME: Only sweet people.
PHD: Oh oooh oooh I'm sweet (said with halo over head)
ME: Funny. No urge to bite you.
PHD: Sigh.. You really do think me evil... The truth is i'm dílseacht!!
ME: Evil is hardly what I think
PHD: That's Irish Bella
ME: Evil is English. I have websters.
PHD: Dilseacht is loyal in IrishAn bhfuil Gaeilge agat?. Got that in websters?
ME: Ok and my comment was on the word "evil" perhaps you should scroll up so you can keep up
PHD: Never mind. I wasn't saying "evil" was a gaeilge word.
PHD: I'll try to keep up... Texta
PHD: Comfort zone is talking.
ME: I hate all aspects of the phone
PHD: Wow! You used the word "hate" Really? really...
PHD: Umm, hate texting too?
PHD: You said all aspects...
ME: Hate the phone. Period.
PHD: Well, ok then. Maybe you don't maybe you do. orrrr is it the opinion you formed of me that you dislike?
ME: I'm going to bed now. Goodnight
PHD: Gnight
PHD: ; )
This is one of the options to choose from as a single female... No thanks, I will stay single. Or turn into a lesbian.
.....days later....
PHD: You still think I'm a jerk lol ?
Me: Jerk is not my description. Lol
.....days later....
PHD: Geez PK is such an awesome and beautiful lake!!!! Packing up my jet ski and camp site. Was thinking about you and hopful you will grant grace and let me know you. Ttyl?? Maybe a drink next week or movie or dinner??? Up to you... ; )
Me: Thanks for the update. I'll be recovering from a very long weekend this week so prolly not gonna do anything.
.....days later....
PHD: Hey, I swear this Monday was brought to me by the letters WTH!!! How was YOUR day?
Me: Typical monday.
PHD: May I call you?
(followed by no response from me)
.....days later....
PHD: Hi again.
ME: Was that a text for me or did it go out to all the women you have pictures of in your phone...?
PHD: You are so damn mean! But I'm not giving up. I'm not what you think I am.
ME: I am certain you are exactly what I think you are. And I am certain you get that A LOT based on your comment. Clearly you are used to this reaction. If everyone is saying (or thinking) it, well...
PHD: Actually, only YOU have assumed I'm a bad person. NO! I didn't send "hi again" to anyone but you. I guess when people text you, they use your name? Really? really? Really. I say BS. If they use your name when messaging you it's only to satisfy an insecurity. It's sooooo easy to label me and be crappy to me. Go ahead and ASSUME you know or have some super fing insight on me but you don't know a damn thing. Jesus, how the hell does a person get so jaded? I sent a simple "hi again" and you tried to make something nice and polite sound bad or shallow. So, hear you go Hi AGAIN ; ) ....
Me: I guess I should remind you THAT I AM NOT interested in someone that flirts with other women when out on dates with other women. If i was her i would have punched you in the dick! So after all the women in your phone and your actions that night, if I have the wrong perception of you it's YOUR own fault. If it looks like a duck and quacks likes duck...
PHD: Fine , think what you like. I did that yes. So from now until I'm dead I'm an asshole and because I did somthing wrong I awlways will be. Wonder if your perfect?
PHD: You do know that she was an EX right? I was good and sweet to her. But, she thinks Being an attorney gives her some fucked up right to stand me up. So I broke up with her. She was there to give my laptop & money back. So I did not give a fuck what she thought.
Me: Ok
PHD: Can I take u to see the new vampire flick? It's not my thing but I remember you like them...
Me: Is that the one where the one guy just sucks the life out of you...? I feel like I'm already familiar.
PHD: Sigh.... Let me just level with you. Yes, I date alot. Yes true, I am an ass in my behaviors (sometimes) but, you made an impression on me!!! It is possible to know alot of women and at the same time be very lonley. I truly wish for you an amazing person to know you and treat you like his angel or princes. If I never get a shot well sobeit. But I wish for you much joy and love.... I regret meeting you when trying to play nice with my ex to get my things back. Best of all things to you. ; ) sorry about bothering you. I will stop...
Me: Apparently a lot of women make an impression on you. Thanks for THAT compliment.
PHD: Apparently your out of men to insult. I was very kind and put up with your HATEFUL shit. I tried to simply ask you out. I even wished the best for you. The thought of no longer having me to treat like shit is sad news but I'M out!!!!! I'm sure there are other men you can be hateful to But this one is sooooo over trying. You showed me how classless you can be when wishing you the best was meet with venomous hatred. I finaly understand. It's not me, it's you that has sone insecurity. Again, I wish you all the best. Really, all the best to you. Bye.
Me: So dramatic.
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you wear popped collars to every social event even the ones no one invited you to
you constantly smell like axe because you think it makes women want to jump on you like in the comercials
Youve spray tanned yourself so many times your not orange anymore and you look like a lemon shat out a tangerine
your hair is so spiked so hard that you cut your hands by touching it
your shirts sleeves were ripped of this morning so the bitches could see your (awesome arms)
you constantly refer to yourself as the fucking man and think that anybody who doesnt acknowledge that you are is worth nothing
you have a shirt on with an acronym for something offensive but you dont know what the acronym originally stands for
You aspire to be like Lee Hotti when you turn 21
You think women are on the earth to please you and only you
You refer to every friend you have as "your boys"
You do about 2 jagerbombs tell everyone you did 20 and then pass out after 3 so everyone will think your cool
You live with your parents.........and your 25.......and you bring girls home and tell them to be quiet or youll get in trouble
You chug Protien power shakes like candian people chug maple syrup
You pick a fight with anyone who talks to you and uses a word with more than 10 letters because you have no idea what it means
Your only friends also have spray tans and spiked hair
You own crocs and are not a female or homosexual
You are a homosexual but the only one that doesnt know it is you
You keep posters of muscular men in your room just to have something to aspire to
You are a member of Nickelback
You are a fan of Nickelback
You think that your the smartest member of your community college
You believed at one point in your life that voting for George Bush was a good idea
You've owned more cars than books in your life
The only thing you read is the back of your protein powder container and the back of hair styling gel tubs
You totally (pimped out) the car your parents gave you in high school
If you have ever said this is a brodak moment-
If you've ever cancelled on a friend to sit home and troll
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If you and your friends go to the mall for the sole purpose of making fun of nerds or hitting on all the (skanks) that go to spencers
- You go on craigslist and send hate requests to the BBW chicks
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You think that the bird is the word
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If you or anyone you know thought Tom Cruise was cool
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You shop at Hot Topic for gloves and hair dye so girls think your dark
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You own 52 polo shirts all of which are pink so girls think you are sensitive
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You own a save the boobies bracelet but only bought it cause you thought it was funny and not to support anything
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If you tell you boys you are gangsta yo
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If you are from connecticut
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If you own a Macbook Pro
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If you own and Iphone an Ipad and an Ipod and the only music on any of them is sunglasses at night on repeat
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The only thing you drink other than jagerbombs are heinekens
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You cant spell jagerbomb or heineken
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You invested in Bernie Madoff
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You are or have worked for the State of California
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You watch Entourage on T.V. and MTV shows and thats all
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You tell everyone you could be an awesome sports star but you dont want to sell out
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You are reading this list and while reading you think im like that
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You may or may not have illegitimate children in other states
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You hang out at bars and your parents house more than you do with your own girlfriend
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You have slept with a woman so drunk she makes ireland look sober
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You think that french fries come from France
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Your facebook picture is you shirtless with some (awesome shit from your room) in it
This dumbass could not see my truck when he moved over. Found out today he's trying to claim I came into his lane. Douchebag.
DBAG: U wunna trade naked pics?
ME: Haha not really. I've seen it already. How would your girlfriend feel about that?
DBAG: Just a hunch. Btw. . . I broke up w/ her last wk If u change ur mind. U know where I'm at. Can be very descreet.
ME: What the f*ck would we need to be discreet about? Yeah, our times way done. You're a loser.
DBAG: U didn't like it?
ME: I'm done being your rebound
DBAG: U ardy find someone to f*ck u like I did?
ME: Wow that's classy
DBAG: U used to f*ck the shit outta me D. I still claim that ur stuff was n is the best I've ever had
ME: Well you used to be
DBAG: Used to be what
ME: You used to be what I considered good. Not anymore
DBAG: U found something better?
ME: You used to be handsome to me too until I saw you last and realized there was really nothing there. So thanks for reaching out to me to be your rebound yet again but I am not real interested in that kind of situation again.
DBAG: I was reaching out for both of us. So we can squash the urge w/ a familiar body w/ no strings or expectations. I know how u like to be on ur own program
ME: I don't need you for anything anymore. My urge is more than fulfilled
DBAG: Ur so difficult. Ur feelings r still involved aren't they. I'm sorry D.
ME: I could care less about you and I realize now how little you really meant to me and how dumb I was. Thanks for being so "considerate" and thinking of my needs but TRUST ME, I'm good. I'm committed and would appreciate you taking your pathetic needs and drunken texts elsewhere.
DBAG: U got a boyfriend? I'm excited for u! I'm very sorry, I thought u were single. No disrespect intended. I'm sure he's a great guy.
ME: Better than you for sure. But that doesn't take much.
DBAG: don't be rude. I want to be friends w/ u
ME: I'm not interested in being friends with someone that is selfish, inconsiderate, has no integrity, is tacky and thoughtless, plays games and cannot act or be a real man. And that's just a short list.
DBAG: Ur very bitter. R u sure ur needs r gettin fulfilled?
ME: Yep. I couldn't be better. your games and your nonsense are childish and immature. It's unacceptable behavior that I never deserved and I realize that now. You are not and were never the man I thought I needed. You weren't a man at all. You were and are weak and pathetic and lame. It just took a real man for me to realize it. I feel sorry for you
DBAG: Wow. That's a first. I hope ur feelings change one day. I still hold u n very high esteem. Ur an amazing woman. I know he'll be very happy w/ the treasure he's found.
ME: So amazing that you felt the need to be a complete ass to me and felt the need to text me for a piece of ass. Yeah, ok. Whatever. It's pretty clear what you think.
DBAG: It wasn't like that n u know it
ME: Well you've made it like now and completely devalued anything that was there
DBAG: Ur overreacting
ME: I'm 100% positive I am reacting exactly as I should.
DBAG: Our sex was phenominal n u know it!
ME: So it WAS all about the sex then. Nice. Text your ex or your other ex about trading pics or to talk about how your sex was but not me. I have no interest in taking a trip down memory lane with you and being reminded that I was nothing but of piece of ass for you. And honestly I have better things to do these days than have these talks with you over text... Or at all.
DBAG: No it was not u jerk!!!
ME: I spent a year of my life supporting you and being there for you an being a friend to you. You got back and completely blew me off. I hope one day you can feel what it feels like when people you care about that you go above and beyond for turn their back on you like you mean ZERO to them. yes you were a jerk and you still are. Even to this day you aren't man enough to own up to your shit, apologize or even talk to me on anything other than text. You really are a weak coward. My perception of you was so far from reality. Not anymore
DBAG: U BROKE UP with me as I was leaving the country! That's y we're not together right now! I begged u not to. Have u completely forgotten that?!
ME: We were never official idiot. You got back home and ignored me, After I'd been your friend for a year. F*ck that. I'm done doing this over text. When and if you want to actually talk about this, let me know. I'll give you that so we can air everything out and move on and you won't feel the need to text me just for a piece of ass because you don't have a girlfriend anymore. Until then...
DBAG: A piece of ass is not a problem w/ or w/out a gf. I thought U AND I could have fun together n save us both the stress n headache that comes w/ that kinda thing. U obviously aren't ready for sumthing like that.
ME: For sex? Sex with you caused me stress. Over a year of it now
DBAG: Haha!!! That's my D!!
ME: I have everything I need. And even if i didn't, i would never be so desperate that I needed to come back to you. So find your ass elsewhere. You are so completely clueless.
DBAG: Whatever chica
How many times have you seen people and just been like... "Seriously!?" This guy was part of the actual forming of this idea. He was obviously hammered and didn't know when to quit. He danced with almost any girl he could find and from my vantage point was really rude about it. Once "Dirty Brown Eye" signed up for karaoke we knew we had to record this. And the rest was history. Here you go! Enjoy!
About Us
Spending over 11 years around clubs, bars and restaurants around Dallas, we've seen many interesting people. We've just made a place for everyone to share their experiences and find out what is going on in the DFW Metroplex. Consider this my contribution to change the Dallas Douchebags.